How to Kill a Guy in 10 Days Read online

  As the woman slid onto a stool a few seats away, she caught me staring and gave me a little wink. Embarrassed, I offered a quick smile and turned back to Lexie. “Oh, God. I think she thought I was checking her out,” I whispered. “But I couldn’t help staring. It’s not often I see a woman taller than me. Do you think she’s a model?”

  “No.” Lexie smirked as she leaned in close. “But you’ll never guess who it is,” she added in a singsong voice.

  “Some movie star?” I asked. I wouldn’t be surprised. I preferred old movies to contemporary ones, and didn’t know many of today’s young stars.

  “Remember Gina’s nephew? Joey?”

  “Joey Coletti? Oh, yeah.” I chuckled at the memory of the kid who’d had a huge crush on both of us when we were in high school. “He used to follow us around like a lovesick puppy. What was he, about thirteen when we graduated?”

  “About that.”

  I looked blankly at her. “So, what? Is that his wife or something?” Unobtrusively, I nodded toward the redhead. “You’re not telling me that Joey married some big star!”

  Lexie pursed her lips, smothering a giggle. “Honey, you’ve been away from Miami far too long. That,” she said, also nodding in the redhead’s direction, “is Josephine. AKA Joey.”

  I nearly got whiplash spinning my head around for a second look. Again, Joey/Josephine caught my eye and winked. My face flamed. I gave him/her a weak smile and hurriedly sipped my latte.

  I took a moment to let the truth settle over me, then said in an excited hush, “You have got to be kidding!”

  “Nope.”

  “I don’t believe it.”

  Lexie arched a brow and kept her voice low as she said, “I hear he likes to swing both ways, if you know what I mean.”

  I nearly choked on my drink. “Good Lord!” I had been in Montana too long.

  “Yeah, times have changed,” Lexie went on. “But this is Miami, where crazy shit happens.”

  “A far cry from Sage Bend!”

  We both laughed.

  “I hear he’s even dating a hot Cuban stripper.”

  I blinked. “You said ‘he.’ So, what…is Joey a cross-dresser or a transsexual?”

  Lexie leaned closer. “He’s sort of midprocedure. Actually, Josephine prefers to be referred to as ‘she.’ She’s had the breast implants but not the, shall we say, big one—if you know what I mean.”

  I cringed and held up one hand. “TMI, girlfriend.”

  Joey was now a woman and was dating a stripper. Holy honkin’ horny toads!

  I studied Josephine from the corner of my eye. She and Gina spoke for a moment, then Gina handed her a sack of cookies and a large latte to go. Josephine sauntered past us, a Fendi purse on one arm, the bag of cookies tucked under the other. Her fingernails curled around the large paper cup, long and polished to match her dress and shoes.

  “Ladies,” she purred as she passed us by. “Been a long time.”

  Not long enough! “Yeah.” My voice came out as a croak, so I cleared my throat. “Nice to see you, Joe—Josephine.”

  She winked at me again, then strutted her stuff out the door like she was on the catwalk.

  The moment Josephine disappeared from the bookstore, Lexie bent over in a silent fit of giggles.

  “Shut up,” I said. “It’s not funny.”

  “I think he…she…still has the hots for you. Woo, girl!”

  I couldn’t help but laugh with her. “What can I say? I’ve still got it, even if I’m not twenty-something anymore.” I raised my latte in a self-toast, and Lexie shot me a grin that I remembered all too well. One that had often led us into trouble.

  “You know, I hate to admit this, but I’m about to hit the big three-oh myself.” She lowered her voice so as not to spread the news for the entire coffee counter to hear. “On Monday. And I was thinking I ought to go out and have a little fun this weekend to celebrate.”

  “That’s right. Your birthday. I’m so bad at remembering dates.” I leaned forward and squeezed her hand. “Happy early birthday, babe.”

  “Ah! You still do that!”

  “Do what?” I asked.

  “That thing with your nose. The bunny look.”

  “Oh, you.” I lightly swatted Lexie’s knee. She always liked to tease me about my upturned nose. Said that when I wrinkled it, it made me look like a little bunny. What could I say? Upturned noses run in my family.

  “It’s still cute,” Lexie assured me.

  “Thanks,” I said wryly.

  “So what do you say?” Lexie asked. “Want to celebrate?”

  “My nose?”

  “No, silly.” Lexie shook her head. “My birthday. You only hit the big three-oh once. Not that it’s necessarily celebratory, but there’s also your news. You’re a free woman now. I say we par-tay!”

  “I say you’re on!” Lexie’s excitement was contagious, and I grinned. Turtle-shopping would have to wait for another day. “So what do we do? Pick up a couple of wild men and hit the clubs? Are you sure you’re not dating anyone?” I asked, narrowing my eyes suspiciously. “Even casually?” It was just so hard to believe.

  “I’m always dating casually,” Lexie said. She blew onto her fingernails in a boastful gesture, then polished the nails on her shirt. Then she laughed. “But who needs a man on the scene when we can have a whole parade of them?” She wriggled her brows suggestively.

  “Are you thinking…” I chuckled. My mind was certainly in the gutter today, but that was the vibe I was getting. I leaned forward and whispered, “A strip club?”

  “Why not? Seeing Josephine made me remember that it’s been too long.” She bit her bottom lip in a motion that said we deserved eye candy. “Can you think of a better way to celebrate than naked men strutting their stuff at eye level?”

  “Not one thing,” I confirmed. I covered my mouth and blushed when I realized I’d spoken with such enthusiasm. “But you mean near-naked men, don’t you?” I think my voice rose on a hopeful note. It had been a while since I’d seen anyone without clothes on. The only naked creature in my house these days was Speedy, my Red-Eared Slider, and even he never left home without his shell.

  There was that mischievous look again. “Well, officially, yes. But I know a club in North Miami Beach—Fantasies—where the men get a little wild sometimes. Girl, they take it all off!”

  “Ohmygod, please tell me you didn’t hear about it from Joey.”

  She laughed. “None other. Actually, seeing him is what gave me the idea.”

  A strip club? One recommended by Joey? “But are the men—”

  “Gorgeous and hot-blooded? Oh, yeah!”

  “What the hell?” I downed my latte as though it were a shot of tequila, no longer caring who might hear our lewd conversation. I needed this. I deserved this. “What time do they open and what are we gonna wear?”

  Two

  Lexie

  I’ve seen some fine men in my time, and a lot of them have been naked, but the brother strutting his stuff in front of me made me feel like I was a virgin again.

  One eager to be deflowered.

  “Oh, my word. That can’t possibly be his…I mean, it’s got to be stuffed. How could it be so…”

  “Huge?” I supplied, chuckling at Hailey’s wide-eyed stare.

  “Huge? It’s as big as the state of Florida!”

  “That it is.” As I sighed with pleasure, my gaze wandered back to the hottie on stage. He put the f in fine, and that was no joke. I couldn’t help wondering how it would feel to be naked with him, those strong arms wrapped around my body, his lethal weapon pressed against my thighs…

  “Ooh, baby!” I howled.

  He looked at me and winked, then ripped the fire-red G-string off in one strong pull. I gripped Hailey’s hand and squealed.

  “Oh, Lord,” Hailey said, fanning herself. “He can put his boots under my bed anytime!”

  “I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.”

  We watched in awe as Mr. Too Fine gyrated his body in the most suggestive of manners, then did push-ups against the floor as if he were making love. It was all very arousing, reminding me that it had been at least six weeks since I’d last made love.

  Too soon the act ended, and the stripper exited the stage. Hailey stuck her fingers in her mouth and whistled. I clapped until my hands were sore.

  “I’m so glad you suggested this, Lex.” Hailey pulled a leg onto the booth’s seat as she faced me. She was dressed in jeans and a halter top and the cowboy boots I saw her in earlier today. “I haven’t had this much fun in…in forever!”

  I chuckled as I looked at her. She seemed totally happy and carefree. Yeah, she needed this. We both did.

  I can’t tell you how glad I was that fate put us together again. Not to get sappy, but I loved Hailey like a sister. I missed her terribly when she was gone.

  But she was back now, and it was just like old times.

  “Cheers,” I said, lifting my cosmopolitan.

  “Cheers!” Hailey tapped her beer bottle against my glass.

  I took a good long sip as the emcee announced the next act. Then I lowered my glass, clinking it loudly on the table.

  Shaking her head, Hailey raised an eyebrow at me.

  “What?” I asked. “I’m not drunk.”

  “That’s not what I was thinking.”

  “Then why are you looking at me like that, with one eye narrowed?”

  “I’m wondering why you don’t have a boyfriend.”

  “Oh,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Not that again.”

  “I can’t understand it,” Hailey continued. “Look at you. You’re so beautiful. You make a simple black dress look like it’s a million bucks. I figured guys would be tripping over themselves to get to you.”

  “Why commit when there are so many to play with?” I glanced at the new stripper and watched him take off his blindfold. He was dressed like Don Quixote, a hot look if you ask me.

  “You sure that’s it? No one’s broken your heart?”

  “Honey, I break the hearts.” In fact, it’s a policy of mine—not to get too attached. My mother had been that way with my daddy—too attached—and when he left her for someone half her age in New York, she’d had a meltdown. No way—that’s not gonna happen to me. So I play with men, enjoy them, and dump them before things can go stale. It’s worked for me, so why fix what ain’t broke?

  Frenzied cries pierced the air, and Hailey and I looked to the stage. Don Quixote had just ripped off his shirt, exposing a wall of hard muscles. Mmm, I thought, instantly perking up. This hot Hispanic man was the best kind of eye candy.

  He trailed both hands over his delectable chest, then slipped his thumbs beneath the waist of his pants. In one smooth movement, he ripped them off. I got so hot, I would have melted if I were a stick of butter.

  Unable to stop myself, I made a funnel around my mouth with my hands and yelled, “Take it all off, baby!”

  “Lexie!” Hailey smacked me on the arm. “Let him do his little dance first. I like the whole dance routine.”

  “Oh, my God.”

  “What—I can’t enjoy the dancing? I happen to think—”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about,” I said.

  “Then what?”

  I leaned in close and whispered, “What if we’re getting all hot for this guy and he’s…he’s Joey’s boyfriend?”

  Hailey gasped. “You think so?”

  I shrugged. “Could be. He does work here.”

  Hailey stared at the dancer, her nose upturned as she thought about my words. Then she shook her head vehemently and said, “No way. He’s too hot.”

  “Much too hot,” I quickly agreed.

  “And look at those abs.”

  “You know he got them working out—on a woman.”

  “Women,” Hailey corrected.

  “The dog!” I joked. Thank God we’d salvaged the fantasy. “But I don’t care about his sexual conquests, he can strut his stiff for me all he wants. It’s all about the eye candy, and he’s as sweet as they come.”

  “Here here!” Hailey agreed. She lifted her beer bottle before taking a long swig.

  “And speaking of which…” I dug a bill out of my purse and waved it over Hailey’s head.

  “Lexie! N-no!” But Hailey’s protest died on a fit of giggles as the Latin hottie strutted toward her.

  “Take a good look, honey,” I told her. “It’s all about the eye candy, remember. And forgetting that Travis what’s his-face ever existed.”

  “Travis who?”

  Grinning, I lifted my cosmopolitan. “That’s what I’m talking about.”

  After I took a sip, my eyes settled on the dancer. I have a thing for Latin men, and this one didn’t fail to turn me on. He was Don Quixote, after all—hot, conquering stud.

  Wearing a sexy smile, Don danced before us like he was sin and seduction rolled into one. He moved his hands over his stomach, then lower, to the scrap of material that hung over his erection. His fingers lingered on the leather thong, and I practically salivated, knowing he wasn’t going to disappoint.

  Off went the G-string. Hailey screamed.

  I couldn’t help laughing. Even the Latin lover chuckled as he lowered himself before us and stroked Hailey’s cheek.

  Hailey slumped in her chair as the stripper walked away. “Oh. My. God.”

  “You can say that again.”

  “Travis always told me the average guy’s penis is five and half inches.”

  “Maybe the average guy’s, but that was no average guy.” I glanced at the stage, taking in a delicious view of the Latin lover’s butt. I sighed. It’d be nice to take him home.

  Hey, a woman can fantasize.

  Not that I hadn’t actually taken a stripper home before. Well, two—if I’m completely honest. But that’s another story.

  Hailey fluffed her hair, the way one might post-sex. “Good Lord, I’ve been missing out.”

  “That’s what you get for marrying the first guy to sweep you off your feet. Now do you see why I play the field? Variety is the spice of life.”

  “Waiter!” Hailey snapped her fingers as a beefcake wearing a bow tie and spandex shorts strolled by our table. “Can we get another round of tequila shooters? Actually, make it a double round.”

  He flashed a charming smile before stepping away from our table, and I realized why I enjoyed going to a strip club on occasion. The guys here are always smiling, like their only desire is to satisfy you. Yeah, I know—that’s the fantasy they sell—but given that in my life the fantasy hasn’t lasted longer than three months, it’s nice to buy into it every now and then.

  Even if I don’t believe in long-term relationships.

  I laid my head back against the softness of the leather booth seat. “Are you having a good time?” I asked Hailey.

  “Are you kidding? This is exactly what I needed. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate my divorce.”

  Maybe it was the alcohol, but I suddenly got wistful. My eyes actually misted. “You believe in fate?”

  “I can’t say I do.”

  “Well, I didn’t—until right now. You don’t know how I’ve missed having you in my life, Hailey. There were so many times I could have used your levelheaded advice over the years.”

  “And there were many times I could have used a dose of your wild side.”

  The waiter returned with the shots, and we both downed them, then grimaced. We’d take a cab if we had to, but tonight was a night for catching up and celebrating.

  “I should eat something,” I told Hailey. “A cosmopolitan and tequila…could be a lethal combination if I don’t get something in me.”

  “Something like that Latin lover?”

  I roared with laughter. “I think you’re the one who needs a palate-cleanser. You know, to wash away the memory of Travis.”

  Hailey’s gaze wandered to the stage. As she watched the next stripper, her expression grew thoughtful.

  “Hmm,” I said hopefully. “So you’re considering it?”

  “It’d be nice,” Hailey admitted.

  “I won’t tell anyone if you take a stripper home.”

  The Latin lover strolled by, and Hailey eyed him dreamily. Once the guys were finished onstage, they made the rounds on the floor, looking for women who wanted a private dance.

  “I’d settle for a private dance from Don Quixote,” Hailey said. “He’s just too gorgeous.”

  “You’re on,” I told her.

  I was out of my chair in a flash and all but ran after the guy. Brushing my fingers across his arm, I got his attention. He turned, smiling at me as he did.

  He had the most amazing chocolate-brown eyes. In fact, they caught me off guard up close, leaving me speechless for a moment.

  I cleared my throat. “Hey, sweetheart. My friend and I would love a private dance.”

  “No problem, sugar.”

  This was fantasyland, so I boldly took his hand as if he were my lover. I led him to the booth where Hailey still sat.

  “This is Hailey,” I announced. “And I’m Lexie.”

  “And I am Rafael.”

  His voice had a distinctive Spanish lilt, the kind that would definitely turn me on in the bedroom.

  “Do your thing, Rafael. And don’t hold back. Hailey’s getting over a bad marriage.”

  For an entire song, Rafael entertained. On the floor, they don’t take off their G-strings. Which wasn’t a problem. He was sweet enough to look at regardless. Sweet enough to caress with innocent strokes on those rock-hard abs.

  “Thank you, darling,” Hailey said when Rafael was done. “I needed that.” She passed him a twenty.

  “Anytime.”

  Both Hailey and I sighed as the hottie strolled away.

  For the next hour, we enjoyed an array of strippers, but I was starting to get light-headed and knew I needed some food. The strip joint served appetizers, but I wasn’t in the mood to eat there. Besides, the cigarette smoke and stale air from the club were getting to me, and I needed a change of scenery.

  I downed the last of my drink, then turned to Hailey and said, “What do you say we get something to eat? There’s an all-night pancake joint right across the street.”